The Funeral of Evil
by capgamer
Summary: Ganondorf, the "Great King of Evil," decides to commit suicide do to his failed social life. I'm going to finish this story some day, I promise!
1. Even Evil has Feelings

The Funeral of Evil

By capgamer

Ganondorf searched frantically about for his socks.

"Tonight is very special," he mumbled. Ordinarily, right now he would be plotting on how to overthrow the king and enslave Hyrule's people. However, tonight things were just a little bit different. He looked into the mirror and smiled. His teeth were a shade of yellow previously thought unattainable. "I hear yellow teeth are all the rage in England." The doorbell rang.

Ganondorf rushed down the stairs and met his visitor. He opened the door to reveal his current mind-slave, Tiffany. "Hello my sweet."

"I MUST OBEY THE GREAT GANONDORF."

"That's a very pretty dress."

"I MUST OBEY THE GREAT GANONDORF."

"Isn't this a beautiful night?"

"I MUST OBEY…"

"Oh, forget it," he released the mind control. "Would you like to go to the King's Ball with me?" The Gerudo woman stared at him blankly and shook her head. "I expected as much," Ganondorf sighed. "You may leave."

She did so, and Ganondorf was left alone to sort things out.

"Being an evil king just isn't what it cracked out to be," the evil king stared at his crystal ball. "Just look at all of them. Having fun, dancing, prancing around... Even that punk-ass kid Link is having a good time. What was I thinking? The king would order me killed if I appeared anyway! Why must I be feared for my extreme violence and crimes against the people?"

Ganondorf's face turned angry. "No! **The Great Evil King Ganondorf** (thunder crashes in the distance) needs no one! I will rip their toenails off and feed it to their pets, and then I will eat their hearts and spread their blood across the land and make the goddesses drink it and I will laugh in their faces! BWAHAHAHHAHA!" Ganondorf suddenly stopped and started crying. "-Sob-I'm hopeless. -Sob-I'll never change. I don't deserve to live!"

That's when he got the idea. He rode to the top of Death Mountain. After looking at the triforce symbol in his hand, he threw himself off and awaited the sweet taste of death below. 

TO BE CONTINUED… (Please tell me what you think) 


	2. The Many Failed Deaths

CHAPTER 2 A.K.A. The Many Failed Deaths

Ganondorf fell. And fell. And fell. "Sheesh, I never noticed how far up this mountain was." He continued to fall, his cape flapping about in the wind. Suddenly, he was there. Evil fell onto the roof of a house, bounced off and was impaled upon a nearby lightning rod.

"Is this what it's like to be dead," he wondered as his bones melted to jelly and he slid down the pole. Then, he just sort of fell off and hit the ground with a sickening splat. Oddly enough, his body reshaped itself and it was like nothing ever happened. "Aw crap! Stupid triforce! I go through all this crap to get it, and what happens? It won't let me commit suicide. Oh well. Guess I'll have someone kill me."

He walked out to Hyrule Field and watched as a stalchild popped out of the ground. "Perfect," he muttered as it stalked towards him. It got closer and closer, raised a bony hand, and…gave Ganondorf a low five.

"Yo, my bruthuh! I hear you almost take over Hyrule. That true, homie? I really admire your work, dog!"

"Th-thank you…"

"No problem. Shizzle my nizzle, biznatch," and with an evil cackle it disappeared. 

"Hmm… Now who do I know that would kill me without a quip? Of course!" He ran to Kokiri forest. It took a day, and he got there at about midnight. Knowing his way in after the whole "infest-the-village-with-savage-monsters-incident," he also found Link's house quite easily. 

"Hey Link!" he shouted up at the house. "Link!" Link appeared at the window.

"Shut up. You'll wake the neighbors," Link muttered drowsily.

"I honestly don't care. As the Great King of Evil, I demand that you get down here and kill me! Link? Link!? Punk-ass kid?" Link had fallen asleep standing up. Ganondorf yelled at him and Link woke up.

"Ok, whatever. I'll kill you tomorrow Mido."

"Who's Mido? Link, it's me, Ganondorf."

"Oh. Goodnight," Link yawned and climbed back in bed.

Ganondorf spent the next few days trying to get killed. He stole from the shop, hoping the owner would go all _Link's Awakening_ on him. The owner said he would put it on Ganondorf's tab. He kidnapped Princess Zelda and put her in an extremely easy to beat dungeon. No one rescued her. He even dressed like a wolfos and stole a cow from Lon Lon Ranch. The gun misfired and Ganondorf stayed with Ingo until the ambulances came. He was awarded a medal for being a good citizen. 

Ganondorf went crazy. He stumbled to Kakariko blowing mindless holes in the ground at various intervals. When he entered the city, he chopped the stupid tree down that had always pissed him off. "Mwehehehee!" He giggled at high and low pitches. Suddenly, he spotted a chicken. Attacking it like a madman, he soon realized what he had forgotten. "I knew there was a way!" he cried insanely as 30 chickens attacked him.

END OF CHAPTER


	3. Can I get a Shot of Rat Poison?

CHAPTER 3 

A.K.A. Can I get a Shot of Rat Poison?

As the world came to, Ganondorf looked around. "Oh my, I guess I really am in hell. Everything is white." The nurse walked in.

"Why hello there, mister…" she flipped through a notebook and found his name. "…mister … uh… Danonpork?"

"Ganondorf," he corrected.

"It seems you were attacked by chickens, Mr. Gunandowoof."

"Ganondorf. I was trying to commit su-…"

"Don't speak. You'll lose too much blood!"

"That's the idea, sweetie."

L~A~T~E~R

Ganondorf lay in his room, thinking. "Maybe I could get him to… no, that wouldn't work. I would just end up here again. I never even knew Hyrule had a hospital. How am I going to commit freaking suicide?!"

"DID I HEAR THE S-WORD?!?!?!?" asked a doctor who had just walked in.

"No… I said suicide."

The doctor became ecstatic. "OH GOODY GOODY GUMDROP! I HAVE A NEW PATIENT! TO KILL! EFFECTIVELY! FOR A CHARGE! THAT MEANS PAYMENT! IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN…"

"What in the name of all that is dark and evil are you talking about?"

"I HELP PEOPLE COMMIT SUICIDE SEMI-LEGALLY!"

"Semi-?"

"THEY CAN'T BE FORCED SUICIDES OR DONE TO THOSE WHO ARE INSANE! UNLESS YOU PAY DOUBLE! THAT MEANS TIMES TWO OR DID YOU KNOW THAT? ARE YOU INSANE?"

"Well, I never thought about it. I mean, I sort of am, in an evil-villian kind of way."

"THAT'S FINE! YOU PAY DOUBLE!"

"I'll pay you after the assisted suicide," grinned Ganondorf.

"OK!"

"Before we start, may I ask you one more thing?"

"SURE!"

"Why are you always shouting?"

"You mean I can talk normally? Hey, thanks!"

Wow, that was a short and subpar chapter. Hopefully the next one will be better.

capgamer


	4. Ganondorf is dead Or is he? Yup, he is

CHAPTER 4

A.K.A. The Great Ganondorf is dead. Or is he? OK, he's really dead.

Link stopped to think about his predicament. How could he, the hero of time, be forced to do his own laundry? It wasn't like Zelda couldn't spare a servant. It wasn't like he wore all that much. Zelda was a selfish poopy-face.

A knock came at the bottom of his tree. He looked out upon the sickeningly sweet Kokiri Village and spit in anger. The spit hit his visitor.

"Ew," the visitor breathed, who looked like a royal announcer of some sort. "Mr. Link, Princess Zelda wishes to see you."

"I am Sir Link, mere pion," Link slowly said in an English accent. "And I have no desire what-so-ever to see that selfish poopy-face."

"But sir…"

"NO! I have no intention of saving her again! I never get any!"

"Oh, but sir," the announcer's eyes glistened. "I'm sure she would be very pleased to see you."

"OK. But if I don't get any, I'll… I'll… do something that is not beneficial to you."

And so it was that Link traveled to Hyrule Castle. It took an entire day of running. Link wished he had called Epona. But he didn't. That was very foolish of him. And dumb, too. Anyway, Link arrived at the castle and was ushered inside the sitting room where Zelda told him stuff.

"We HAVE to fire that announcer," sighed Zelda. "Link, do you know why I called you here?"

"You bet I do! Bounce diggie diggie bounce!"

"Huh? I called you here to tell you about Ganondorf. He's dead!"

"Why would you care about him dying?"

"Well, he was your arch villain and it seems strange that he could die in any way when the Master Sword didn't work."

"Oh, you mean Mido. Sheesh, I thought you meant the little annoying kid that always makes fun of me."

"No, Link. Ganondorf is the one who stole the Triforce of Power and enslaved the people of Hyrule."

"Why did I always get them confused?"

"Probably because they're both ugly, have red hair, and try to take over the world on a regular basis."

Mido walked into the castle. He ripped his tunic off to reveal many explosives. "Just hand over the crown Zelda, or I'll blow you up. MWAHAHA!"

"No you won't Mido. Explosives haven't been invented yet."

"Aw, darn. See you guys later." Mido left.

"Oh no. I just remembered something about Ganondorf," Link began crying.

"What's that, Link?"

"Well, now that he –SOB- isn't going to kidnap you anymore, I won't have anything to rescue. And when I don't rescue people, I'm not a hero. And when I'm not a hero, I won't get any!"

"You never did get any, Link."

"Well, excuuuzzzeee meeeeee, princess!"

"It wasn't cute in the cartoon, it isn't cute now. Let's just give Ganondorf a funeral like the title of this lousy story implies."

"Ok. I'll give the eulogy."


End file.
